‘Til Death Do Us Art.
Creative Block → 005
Creative Block is a weekly newsletter that gives you a glimpse into my life, creativity, design, and music. It's like a little pick-me-up that you get delivered straight to your inbox each week.
My spouse and I marked our 5th anniversary in London, while on a month-long holiday across Europe. As I draft this, it's May 6th, 10:22 PM. We've been married for 5 years and 1 day, and I've been freelancing for four years, while my partner has been freelancing for three.
A couple of years into our marriage, we coined the term "Til death do us art." It's a twist on the traditional "Till death do us part" wedding vow. Art is a shared passion for us, as we both enjoy expressing ourselves through creativity and storytelling. However, navigating a marriage with two artistic individuals has its own set of challenges.
As someone married to another creative, there are five key things I've learned along the way that I'd like to share with you today. These insights have helped me navigate the ups and downs of a partnership where both individuals possess strong artistic inclinations.
1. My wife is not my competition.
If you've been following my newsletters, you'll know that I began my creative journey as a photographer but started taking design more seriously in 2016, which has led me to where I am today. Interestingly, my wife and I met when she reached out to me via email, inquiring about hiring me to take photos for her social media. Although my rates were too high for her, she also asked for my camera recommendations to get started, which I provided. Over the next few months, I began teaching her photography techniques and answering her questions, and she eventually started using a Canon Rebel to take pictures. Fast forward to now, her photography skills have improved immensely, and her work is simply amazing!
Around four years ago, I began to feel envious and insecure when my friends approached my wife to take their photos instead of me. It felt like I had been replaced within my own social circle. At the time, I failed to understand the adage "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle," which means that supporting and helping someone else succeed does not diminish one's own accomplishments.
Instead, I felt like I was competing with my wife instead of nurturing her talents and letting her thrive. I began to wonder whether I was doing something wrong or whether my wife was more talented than I was. The jealousy began to eat away at me, and it felt like my identity was being threatened.
I spoke to a few close friends who are also creatives, and they helped me recognize my jealousy. They called me out on my insecurities and the negative impact it was having on my relationship with my wife. It was a difficult conversation, but it was necessary.
I turned to God and asked for guidance to navigate this new territory. As I delved deeper, I realized that my jealousy stemmed from a deeper sense of insecurity about my own identity. I was uncertain whether I was a photographer or a designer, and when my wife started getting more photography clients than I did, I felt like my sense of self was threatened.
I realized that I needed to work on my own self-confidence and identity, and not let external factors define me. I needed to stop competing with my wife and instead focus on nurturing her gift and allowing her to flourish. I learned to appreciate her talents and celebrate her accomplishments, and in turn, my own creativity flourished.
This experience showed me that my wife is like a garden. I need to nurture her gifts, give her space to grow, to change careers if needed, to be her safe space and biggest cheerleader.
“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” - James Keller
2. Business partner vs. Husband
It can be difficult to separate personal and business lives, especially when you and your spouse work together. I have found myself struggling with this issue as well. There have been times when I have come home with my business hat still on.
We have a co-working space with an office, but we don't go there every day to work. When we talk about business matters, it's crucial to recognize when the other person is wearing their "spouse/partner" hat and when they are wearing their "business hat." When the lines between these two hats get blurred, it can lead to a lot of emotion and miscommunication in the conversation.
To avoid this, I've learned to recognize when to put on my business hat and when to take it off. We have started dedicating specific days on the calendar to catch up and discuss business matters. Additionally, when we have business conversations, I try to give my spouse a heads up beforehand.
While I'm not perfect at it, I'm striving to improve this aspect of our relationship. By learning to separate personal and business matters, we can have more productive conversations and maintain a healthy work-life balance.
3. We don’t have to ALWAYS work together.
When my wife and I got married, I wanted us to become one company, COKER STUDIO, to streamline our creative endeavors. However, I quickly realized how important it was for my wife to have her own voice and not hide behind me or success.
Two years ago, we decided to still be under the COKER STUDIO brand but go our separate ways. My wife focuses on photography, set design, and creative direction, while I focus on design, art direction, and occasionally photography. We still check in and update each other as opportunities arise, but it has been much healthier for our relationship.
I always thought that if we didn't combine our businesses, we wouldn't be working as one. However, I've come to realize that we can have the same goals and use our God-given gifts to achieve them while still supporting each other. We may operate as different parts of one body, with me as the financial and creative brain and my wife as the visual aesthetic type, but we are still one.
Our ultimate goal is to tell stories of people that look like us in a creative and beautiful way. We want to remind them that they too were made in the image of God, despite what society may say. Our gifts are given to us to serve others, and we strive to be faithful with them.
4. Check-ins & Accountability
Checking in with each other regularly is important to us, as it allows us to see how we can support each other's growth. It's a simple yet effective way to ensure that we are both working towards our goals.
We have also considered taking a weekend or trip once or twice a year to dream about our goals and how we can help each other achieve them. This time away from our daily routines allows us to think outside the box and come up with new ideas that we may not have thought of otherwise.
By constantly supporting and encouraging each other, we are able to use our individual talents to achieve our shared goals. It's important for us to remember that we are a team, and that we are both working towards the same vision.
5. Be each others biggest cheerleaders
I must admit, being supportive and encouraging does not come naturally to me. I didn't grow up with people cheering me on or prioritizing my happiness until college. However, I'm actively working on changing this about myself.
I'm committed to going above and beyond to support my wife's talents as a photographer and set designer. In fact, I've promoted her work in my newsletter several times, and I'm proud to do so. I believe that it's important to celebrate and recognize the achievements of those we love, and I'm determined to make this a regular practice in our relationship.
Check out some of her work here.
Weekly Column of Inspiration 🧶
📔 Read:
The Creative Way x Rick Rubin (Audible - Reading this week)
👁 See:
🎧 Hear:
I was listening to this as I was writing all this :) ENJOY!
I use to make a playlist every few months called “While you create” it featured songs I listened to while designing
"Til death do us art" is a nice quote. Thanks for sharing your experiences of being married to a fellow creative.
This is super interesting! I don't work with a partner but I feel like this has a lot of overlap with any kind of creative partnerships/relationships as well- thanks for sharing!